How to Not Have a Broken Heart

My first relationship lasted 6 years… maybe more. I’m too drunk to remember. However, we stopped becoming a couple in the third year. As brutal as it may seem, I stopped loving him beyond friendship right at the end of our second year.

I know what you are going to ask, “Why did it last six years?”.

There were several factors. First, every relationship starts out with some sort of delusional ideals. You are so overpowered with infatuation and, maybe, love that you don’t see all the negative things in the relationship or the guy. However, after the second year, things start to die down. The burning romance dies down and the romantic effect that a single burning flame used to bring is replaced with the light of realities.

Right around our second year, I started seeing the holes in the relationship and the things about him I know will not be able to take in the long run. For one, he had no drive in his career. I had to push him and guide him to start working and find work. It really wasn’t an issue that I was earning more but it was an issue that he wasn’t trying harder.

I knew then I couldn’t be in a relationship where I had to do the driving. Yet, I stayed because I thought he would eventually grow up. I told myself there is hope. There are thousands of men out there who  were stuck in their childlike world and eventually changed. There was also that part of me who felt that I didn’t want to put the two years to waste and another part that wanted to marry my first boyfriend. I didn’t want to go find someone else and have to start all over again. Besides, I don’t even know if I will ever find someone else. I’m not exactly the most attractive girl in tow. In fact, I am probably the exact opposite.

So, I pressed on.

I tried to make it work. At some point, I felt like I was raising a kid, training him and instilling values I knew we will need to make the relationship work.

I know how it sounds. It seems like I was forcing him to be someone else. I wasn’t. I was never in the way of the things he liked doing. I just knew that he needed to be more responsible because if we were to become a family, we need to take responsibilities and share on the responsibilities. That’s one. Two, I was already discovering myself. I realized there are certain things I expect from a guy. I knew I wanted to be treated like a woman, taken care of, pampered every now and then… I want a gentleman who is conscious and aware of my well-being and feelings.

It’s not his fault that he wasn’t like that to me. These things were the things I was discovering as I mature. We didn’t start out that way which makes it hard for me to change how our relationship works.

It took a toll in me. Everyday, I started falling out of love. By the fifth year, I knew there was no turning back. Why did I stay?

It was convenient. The relationship was convenient. He was a great companion because he knew how to have fun. He tolerated me and we were each other’s constant companion. I know it sounds evil but… that’s the truth. Most of the most important truths in our lives are brutal. This is one of those.

Yet, I knew… I knew I had to do it. I knew I had to be fair to him and to myself.

Towards the end of our sixth year, I finally gathered the courage to break up with him. When I did it, I was so relieved. I could finally move on. There wasn’t a single part of me that felt broken. It was all relief and happiness.

There a lot of things I learned from it. One, it's important for us to know ourselves before we could ever become an ideal other half. We all evolve. We all change, some more drastic than others but we all do. Second, it's a waste of time to try and change others. They have to do it themselves. You could, to the best of what you can, explain to them how their attitudes are affecting your but the decision to change will be theirs and theirs alone. Third, friendship can sustain a relationship. It sustained me for 5 years but not even friendship can save you from yourself. I felt I was compromising myself because I am taking on a role in the relationship that I didn't like. 

Lastly, you shouldn't ignore the future. If you are with someone you want to be with for the rest of your life, you need to know his worst and know for sure you can take it.

That is it... that's how I didn’t have a broken heart and the things I learned from it.