Matandang Dalaga

My parents never understood why I find tattooed guys who just might have never combed their seemingly unshampooed hair wearing an unironed hole-filled shirt paired with a tattered pair of blue jeans attractive.  They never liked the guys I liked but I never liked the guys they liked either, the kind that prefers a suit as their everyday wear, the kind that will never go out of the house unless their entire outfit is coordinated, the kind that always wears shirts with a collar and wears nothing but a newly shined pair of shoes. They like guys that work behind a desk from 8 to 5, attend meetings in a conference room filled with equally put together group of guys with degrees from universities that take your soul whenever you enrol. I have nothing against those guys and I’ve been in a relationship with one but those guys are not the subject of my fantasies. They certainly aren’t the kind that would make me tremble to the bones. In fact, overly put together men are either “

If I had a nickel for every time that question is asked to me, I’d pay of the debt of the country. I think at some point, the congress should already declare this question unconstitutional. For the love of god, when are people going to realize that asking someone when they are getting married is just like asking a woman what her waistline is. There really isn’t anything wrong with it but there’s so many emotional repercussions with consequences that could piss off a woman any man knows that you would rather the US drop another A bomb on your ass than piss off a woman. Through the years, I have learned that if I kill everyone that asks me that, everyone within 1 kilometer radius wherever I go will die.

“Damn, it must suck to be you right now,” my cousin told me. “Why?” I asked. “Because you became a grandmother before you become a mother,” he said. I wanted to slap him but not as much as I wanted to slap my niece. One of our nieces got pregnant at 14. She was in high school. One of my cousins was in London then, working as a chef. When we called him up to tell him the news he said “Slap the bitch for me… the f&*% is she thinking making us grand parents?” I’m already having trouble finding a date as is, imagine how it’s gonna be now that I am a grandmother? Imagine subjecting a guy to the thought that he is about to kiss a grandmother? The f*%$!

They say we are most likely to regret the things we chose not to do than the things we did. I always thought that’s a lot of shit and it is but it’s the kind of shit that we need in our life… actually, it’s the kind of shit that we need to jump into, fully submerge ourselves and come out of it stinking and beaten. After 34 years, tonight… when the moon is nowhere in sight, the voice of Gary and Gil (LeesSang) is wringing in my head, my coffee cup is empty and I’m irritated at the noise of my neighbors that I’m seriously considering poking a huge hole on their car tires… I realized I didn’t make enough mistakes. I was so darn scared of doing anything that could result to some permanent damage that I chose to always be on the safe side. It is true that I have pretty much been able to avoid some major injuries (no child out of wedlock, no clan-wide humiliation) and I am thankful for that.

When I was younger, I remember seeing some people eating alone in a restaurant and thinking 'how sad that they can't find someone to eat with'. Now, I eat alone too... and often. I don't mean just sitting in Starbucks (I don't like their coffee) with a laptop in front of me. I mean going in a restaurant to eat alone. Sometimes, I look around to find younger people who might be looking at me thinking exactly what I thought when I was their age. And when I do find someone looking at me, I fight the urge to b!tchsl@p them. Kidding (or not). It's one of those moments when you realize you know exactly what they are thinking because you've been there too.

I look 5 years younger than my age. It's not to brag because God knows I am not pretty. I'm the ugliest among us cousins. I just look a little younger than my age. I have no money to be a regular at the Belo clinic so I have resorted to simple and cheap ways to delay the aging process a bit. 1. Drink lots of water. They say 8 glasses is necessary but some say it actually includes liquid you get from other sources like rice, fruits, and others. Regardless, I drink lots of water. It's certainly more than 8 glasses, not counting the liquid I get from fruits. Whenever possible, I drink fresh coconut water. 2. I eat lots of fruits and I mean lots because...

That moment when you realize teen-agers are using "po" and "opo" on you... That moment when you realize that you are talking to someone whose age is when you thought people your current age are old. That moment when you realize that even if you can manage to look ten years younger, you'd still look like you're in you mid 20s. That moment when you realize that the young people that's irritating you with their noise and carefree laughter is doing the same thing you were doing when you were their age.

Apparently, here are the "rules": 1. During the early days of dating, the girl should offer to pay half the bill but the guy should say politely say no to the offer. 2. When a guy is courting a girl and someone asks if they are in the courtship stage, the guy should be the one to answer and admit he is courting her. 3. When they are already in a relationship and someone asks if they are, the girl should answer it. 4. The first date should be casual. Something like, coffee or a snack. That way, either could bail early and soon if it's not working out.

Have you ever taken a huge risk with no back up plan or safety net? I don't know... maybe... resigning from a job with no replacement and no savings... or get married with no house, no savings, no and job... or bet all your money... whatever. Have you ever done something that seemed so unreasonable and so seemingly stupid because it seems you're risking it all? I have been brought up by practical parents. They told me to buy a house and save enough money so that when rainy day comes, I'll have something to get me by. They encouraged me to invest on a house instead of going to other countries. They feel that traveling can wait but owning your house shouldn't wait. I need to have the certainty of having a home to go home to when I get old. Although they never said it, they were against my first relationship because they knew I was earning more than the guy.

Growing up, my parents pounded the idea that I should strive to buy my own house as early as possible. It's the best investment I can ever make, they said. I can end up jobless and afford nothing but a darn NFA rice, water and salt but at least I know I won't be homeless. I took their advice. Two years after graduating, I made a downpayment to a house and lot. It took me 10 years to pay it off. It's 160 sq m in a low cost housing subdivisio. When I bought the house, I was earning Php 16,000 a month. Php13,000 went to the house. I couldn't even afford to have dinner. I'm freakin' serious, I was eating twice a day. Once a day if I need to spend on something. A nice park was 15 minutes away from my house, I couldn't event afford to get it, gaddumit.

I remember reading a book by Dale Carnegie titled How to Win Friends and Influence People. One of the things the most important tip I got from that book is to understand how people has the innate need to feel important. People, he said, go through life looking for validation. One way to make them like you is to give them exactly what they want, the feeling of importance. Then there's that movie, Devil's Advocate, when Al Pacino's character said that vanity is his favorite sin. It has since been stuck in my mind. People like feeling important, they like looking good, they like people paying attention to them, and they like being validated. It's probably why most people get married. People always need to feel they matter. A marriage is that, an assurance that someone promises that you will matter, that whatever you do, it matters to that someone... an assurance that no matter what happens in the future, someone will be there with you. 

 I was a job hopper. I didn’t stay for more than two years in my younger days. I worked for the former President, then for a TV station, then for a non-profit organization, then for a school, and then for a mobile content provider. I finally made a long stop in an advertising agency. I was in the Account Management department for more than five years handling high-profile clients. I enjoyed the people I worked with but I hated the job. I was surrounded with bosses who stuck their claw in every high profile project even if they didn’t have anything to do with it. Day in and day out, the bosses kissed the asses of clients who were also just kissing the asses of their bosses. We weren’t in the bottom of the food chain but we were pretty low, low enough that we needed to make ourselves believe we were doing something important in the interest of keeping ourselves sane.

I have to have children. Otherwise, no one will take care of me when I grow old.  That's right. People should have children so that they'll have someone to take care of them when they grow old because children are born to become their parents' caregivers gaddamit. But of course I can't tell my parents that whenever they remind me that I need to have children or grow old alone and sick with nothing but effin' YouTube and pirated DVDs to keep me company lest they will think I will not take care of them when they grow old and get sick.

One thing I realized after being single (not married) for more than three decades is that there is no one else that is harder to live with than myself. At night, when everyone else is gone, it's just me and my evil conscience talking with each other. It is now just a matter of whether or not my evil conscience can deal with the choices I made the whole day. God knows there were many nights when my evil conscience almost gave up on me, disgusted at the situations I put myself into, revolted that the decisions I've made. Most of the time, those revolting decisions involved men and relationships. I've done things or allowed things to happen without really thinking about how it will affect me in the future or how it will make me feel when the relationship is over and I'm over the guy.

We’ve all heard it before, how money shouldn’t be an issue in relationship. Love is supposed to conquer all and it is also supposed to be enough of a reason for two people to continue working it out. It is not hard to believe. There are many couples who really started out with nothing and ended up with more than most at some point in their life. There’s Manny and Jinkee Pacquiao who had to shack up with their in-laws for several years before Pacman started hitting it big. I know a female TV producer who is married to a doctor. She was the provider for more than a decade until her husband became a specialist. It is only recently that the tables have turned in their household. My female cousin was already earning a 6-figure salary when she met her now husband who was then barely making 20,000.

Prince Charmings, Hollywood happy endings , and the perfect pairing of Barbie and Ken are all to blame. They form our expectations and set the standards on the kind of story, relationship, and men we want to have in our lives. These tales of a prince from another castle and how his kiss awaken a princess from a long sleep and guys desperately running after a girl he decided to let go just to catch her right before she boards a plane and other bone-tickling stories all make us giddy. And yes, it all makes us want to feel that someone could be that desperate for us.

Ilan ba sa mga bagong graduates ang nasa trabahong hindi nila gusto? Ang katwiran nila, “stop over lang ito, pag nakakita na ako ng trabahong gusto ko talaga, aalis din agad ako.” Hindi lang din iilan ang mga nasa relasyong hindi naman nila talagang gusto. Stop over lang nila ang mga lalake o babaeng kasama nila ngayon hanggang mahanap nila ‘yung totoong mamahalin nila at makakasama pang habang buhay. Madami ding, lalo na sa babae, bumibili ng mga damit na mas maliit kesa sa size nila. Ang katwiran nila, nagda diet naman sila. Stop over lang ang size nila ngayon.

... and so here I am. A 33-years old single woman living in the Philippines. I have had some amount of success in my career. Yes, that's plural, thank you very much. I have traveled the world, met interesting people, experienced different cultures, and saw remarkable things in all sizes, shapes and colors. I own my own house, drive my own car, and pay for whatever I buy with my own money... money that worked and continue to work hard for. I provide for my family and the families of my family. People come to me for help financially, emotionally, and for some other stuff in their life. I give back as much as I can whenever I can. I'm doing alright, by all accounts. Yet, the most famous question people ask me is 'when are you getting married?'. ... because marriage is all that matters, gaddamit. You just gotta love this country. ... and this is how to be a matandang dalaga in the Philippines