I Wish I Made More Mistakes

They say we are most likely to regret the things we chose not to do than the things we did.

I always thought that’s a lot of shit and it is but it’s the kind of shit that we need in our life… actually, it’s the kind of shit that we need to jump into, fully submerge ourselves and come out of it stinking and beaten.

After 34 years, tonight… when the moon is nowhere in sight, the voice of Gary and Gil (LeesSang) is wringing in my head, my coffee cup is empty and I’m irritated at the noise of my neighbors that I’m seriously considering poking a huge hole on their car tires… I realized I didn’t make enough mistakes.

I was so darn scared of doing anything that could result to some permanent damage that I chose to always be on the safe side. It is true that I have pretty much been able to avoid some major injuries (no child out of wedlock, no clan-wide humiliation) and I am thankful for that.

But I also missed out on the genuine experience. The pain that I know, the lessons I’ve learned, the experience that I know are all second hand. I watched others make the mistake. I was on the front seat alright but it was never me on the stage. I shared their tears but I never cried for myself. I spent sleepless night with them to hear them complain and whine but I only heard their words, never spoke them.

As a result, there were lessons that I knew but never really learned until much later on.

Sometimes, I feel that I live my life in a hypocritical way. I give advices, I give suggestions, based on what other people have experienced… almost never my own.

I was too safe. I almost never did anything without a warranty.

And so I missed out on the exhilarating, run-out-of-breath, almost-falling-off-the-edge, i-don’t-know-if-i-could-survive-this kind of experience. I never had those highs.

I don’t have a lot of memories which I could look back to and smile at my unbelievable display of utter stupidity mixed insane courage pulled out from the deepest depths of Mordor.

I was always in the middle. I took things slow.  

That’s probably why I am still not where I want to be. In fact, at 34, I still don’t know where I want to go. I had ambitions and I fulfilled most of them only to realize it’s not what I really want. I mean, it’s the what I really want. This is not the dream.

I forgot the dream I had when I was a kid all because I was scared that if run after it, I’d fail and lose everything. So I gave up on the dream and settled on something I know I could easily achieve. I achieved them all but it’s not what really want.

I played it too safe… not enough mistakes… not enough risks… not enough bruises.