"Finding Myself"

I've heard that so many times from people who decided to move from wherever they come from to California. 

At one point, I said that too. I don't exactly remember what prompted me to say it. I don't remember why I felt I don't have me. Maybe it was the cancelled wedding. Maybe it was all these friends getting married and giving birth left and right. Maybe it was all these relatives, friends and strangers looking at me with pity because I am still single and well on my way to becoming a matandang dalaga. 

It changed though. From "finding myself", I realized I have a full grasp of who I am but I didn't like it. 

So I wanted to leave thinking changing the environment will change me or maybe, I wouldn't have to change but learn to be happy with who I am. 

Approaching my 18th month here, nothing much has changed and I am realizing that maybe, nothing ever will. 

I am who I am regardless of where I am. 

I am just as happy and as sad as I was when I left the Philippines. 

I am now away from the people who made it their daily habit to ask about my civil status. I don't  

I don't have to attend weddings and baptisms of friends and acquantances who I thought I have 99 % less chances of getting married than I had. I didn't have to be live in a country where being 30 and remaining single is worse than getting stuck in a marriage with a massochist leach. 

Yet, I still go to bed some nights scared at the prospect of doing it for the rest of my life alone. During those few times when I am forced to do nothing, I wonder what the purpose of all these is, what my purpose is, what the hell I am doing here. 

I still have the same disposition, the same values, the questions. 

I didn't find me, I never had to because I got it all figured out. 

It was all a matter of getting comfortable in my skin, in my status, in who I am. 

No amount of relocation can help me on that though. In fact, no amount of relocation can help anyone on that. 

I am who I am regardless of where I am. 


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