A freakin' mazing

There are certain events in our lives that push us to take a hard look at ourselves and really come clean and be honest at what we will see. To some people, it’s losing a job or losing a love one. to some, it’s getting an award or getting married. To some, it’s seeing a newborn child and talking with a dying person.

To me, it was while I was eating salad. Yes, it was eating a salad.

After spending the whole morning “trying” to work and successfully reading Facebook be bombarded by people criticize the government for the slow response in the face of calamity, I realized something.

  1. I have a beef with all the parents and adults who didn’t evacuate the area hit by Yolanda. They were warned and were asked to evacuate but they refuse. As a result, it was their children who died and suffered. The refuse to “avoid” the calamity and now they double, if not triple, the gravity of the problem.
  2. That being said, the problem is already there. There is really nothing we can do about it. We can’t exactly abandon them and let them to die. However, I have a beef with all these people who keep on writing about who is fast, who is slow, etc. Can’t we just get things done now and then when everything is settled, we can start castigating every other person in the government. But for now, shut the eff up and get your ass off your computer and start helping.

A friend of mine asked me if I want to donate to the victims which they plan to do this Christmas in lieu of a Christmas party this December. I wanted to but I declined simply because I don’t have the money to donate. 

When I quit my job, I went through a financial slump and had to work with tight budget just to make sure I am still able to put my sister through school and pay bills even if I don’t start earning enough right away. I had to stretch the money I had for as long as I can. Now that I moved to another country, I have to make sure I can stretch the money I have for as long as I can because I have no family here to whom I can run if I don’t have money anymore.

I also have a scholar in World Vision. For a while, I stopped giving money because I don’t have anything to give. It is only now that I am able to give again.

I don’t feel guilty for not being able to give anything. It may be bad but it is what it is. I do my best with what I have. I try not to be a burden to anybody and I try to give back as much as I can. The World Vision scholar, to my family, to friends who need help and some other stuff.

I also try to share what I know to anyone. I don’t have a lot of money, so I share my skill, talent or knowledge. If someone asks me for some tips in marketing, I share them. if someone asks for help in coming up with a story, I help. It’s not much but hey, it’s all I have.

So I was going down to the kitchen to have lunch, I realized something. I am damn lucky/blessed to be where I am.

How many Filipinos are dreaming of being able to set foot in this country and I get to do it. I am living in a really nice neighbourhood, nice enough not to have gates because it’s safe enough not to have lawns. I get to eat fresh vegetables with a really good dressing, sweet potato, strawberry and grapes.

I am bad at my job yet I earn enough to pay my rent, send money to my family, buy my food and go visit different places.

The weather is perfect and pollution is minimal. I have friends here… or at least really nice acquaintances who invite me to go out, text me, call me, facebook message me… who try their best to make me feel welcome in their tight community.

It’s not just what I have here but what I have back home. I have a house there, a nice one and I have parents there. No matter what happens here, I can go back and find a home. I have friends there. I have a car.

No matter how long I am gone, I know I can go back and still feel I belong.

God has blessed me and continue to bless me. He has done so despite me arrogance, hypocrisy, cowardice and lying. I am arrogant about how I look at people and what they do with their lives. I think many of the women in my life are stupid for choosing the husband they chose and even more stupid for staying with them.

I think many of the people in my life are either stupid or lazy and that’s how they end up always “needing help.”

I am a hypocrite. I told everyone I would rather end up being alone than end up with someone who will make my life miserable. Although that is true, I leave out the part of me being nonetheless terrified of growing old alone. I want a husband and I want kids, biological or otherwise but I never admitted it because I am a coward. I am scared that if I end up not being married, people will pity me.

They are most likely pitying me, anyway.

I lie about failing even though I often fail and then I don’t admit failing even though I keep telling everyone I am not scared of failing.

I am not a good daughter. I am generous but not a good daughter. I am not a good sister, generous but not good. I am not even a good friend. I violate people’s trust and I am not always there when my friends need em.

Yet, God provides for me and the people that I love. He gave me good jobs, good enough to allow me to help my family and some of my friend. He loves me more and more each day.

What is even more amazing is that the more I sin, the more I feel his love. I sin and I feel him assure me that I can do better, that He is not giving up on me and neither should I. I feel his forgiveness because He continues to provide for me and the ones I love, food, health, shelter and happiness.

Imagine that… He gives me reasons to be happy despite all my sins.

How does He do that? How can He love me when I do nothing but hurt Him? How can He love me when I continue to do and think the wrong thing despite know what is right.

His love is truly a freakin’ mazing.


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