Approaching My 1st Year in The U.S.

I am approaching my first year in the US.

As usual, muni muni ng mga naganap sa isang taon. Ano na ng aba? Parang ang bilis.

I remember not being sure why I am moving to the US. I just decided to leave. When I went here and people started asking me why I left my relatively successful career in screenwriting and advertising, I told them I don’t know and I wasn’t lying. For months, I never attempted to answer the question. I just went with the flow. I never really planned on answering it. I wanted things to just happen.

However, 365 days of being away from home has a way of forcing you back into a corner. It forces you in a place where you have no choice but to see everything for all that it is.

Being in the middle of my 30s, alone and in a country that isn’t my own forces me to realize that maybe I always knew why I left.

I was turning 34 then. The only other single cousin I had got married. I just found out my ex-boyfriend got married and my first boyfriend had a baby. My uncles and unties couldn’t stop asking when I was going to get married and my dad called me a “matandang dalaga”.

I bought a house, cars, I travelled, I got my master’s degree. I wrote films and tv scripts.

I was running out of dreams to fulfill and I was running out of time to fulfill the ones I hadn’t. Maybe I didn’t want to people to realize that of all the dreams I have achieved, I couldn’t get the ones that matter the most to me.

Maybe I didn’t want to face that.

The fact is that I am not single by choice. I almost married my last boyfriend until he pulled the plug. It was him who walked away, I didn’t. No matter how I want to romanticize the story, the fact is that had he not called off the wedding, I would be married by now. Whether or not I’d regret is another story.

Maybe I didn’t want to say it out loud.

Moving here saves me from the people’s question. No one will ask why I am still not married. At least not to my face. No one will ask me what happened between me and my last boyfriend. I won’t have to hear people call me matandang dalaga.

Maybe I knew there was a slim chance I could find someone in the Philippines.

I am not exactly “attractive” by Filipino standards. I don’t have the charm my cousins have. I am too strong for Filipino men. If I was to be single, I might as well be single in a place where being single till death is not at all too strange.

Maybe… I simply didn’t know what else to do.

That’s why I’m here. To figure out what’s next.

I think I have… part of it, at least. 


Popular posts from this blog

Do You Wish You Are Younger?

Jabbawockeez, Ben Chung and America's Best Dance Crew

30 Reasons I'm Still Single in my 30s